


How To Explain Sex & Reproduction To Your Alien Girlfriend

by witch_of_fics



Series: When Cultures Clash [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/F, Fluff, Humor, Sex Education, adorable dorks being adorable dorks, description of childbirth, rosemary
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-04
Updated: 2015-03-04
Packaged: 2018-03-16 08:05:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,482
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3480647
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/witch_of_fics/pseuds/witch_of_fics
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Kanaya notices Rose's belly button one morning her curiosity is peaked and many questions arise that Rose has to explain to her curious and puzzled alien girlfriend. </p><p>Inspired by a comic I found on Tumblr (link will be in notes)</p><p>Rated Teen and Up for Rose giving the sex talk and a description of childbirth (semi graphic)</p>
            </blockquote>





	How To Explain Sex & Reproduction To Your Alien Girlfriend

**Author's Note:**

> This fic idea came to me after I stumbled across this comic on Tumblr: http://tuna-captor.tumblr.com/post/105328478752/alien-belly-buttons
> 
> This has probably been done but I honestly couldnt resist it.

Rose yawned as she drug herself out of her bed for the morning. Another day, she would say ‘another day another dollar’ but being on the damn meteor money had no meaning.

She ran her fingers through her hair and put on her headband and tugged on a pair of gym shorts she alchemized for sleeping and lounging around. She jammed her feet into her slippers and pushed up one of the straps on her sleep tank top that had slid off of her shoulder. She would normally get dressed before going for breakfast but god she needed coffee due to the late night she had last night.

Coffee first, dressing and being presentable later.

She shuffled to the door of her room, opening it and closing it silently behind her as she began what seemed like a never ending trek down the hall to get to the kitchen to grab coffee and a muffin or something like that.

“Lookin’ hot this morning, sis.” Dave said with a snort that sounded slightly like a laugh as he walked alongside her to get breakfast, already wide awake.

“Yes, Dave. I know, im stunning. I should just alchemize a red carpet and stride down as the paparazzi take my photos.” She said dryly in return, shooting him a slight glare.

“I can see it now, the newest line in fashion called ‘half asleep blonde in a ratty tank top and shorts’. It’d be a hit.” Dave smirked and she reached out, giving his forearm a weak slap.

“Shut up.” She mumbled.

“Graceful and radiant as always!” Dave laughed, jogging to the kitchen first, smirking as he saw pretty much everyone else there, including Kanaya.

“Ladies, gentlemen, and trolls. Here comes the radiant as ever, Seer of Light!” Dave exclaimed, thrusting his hands out as if to present Rose to everyone, she shot him a glare and Kanaya watched, smiling fondly at her girlfriend.

“She’s beauty, she’s grace~” Dave began, Rose glaring at him, if looks could kill.

“And she’s going to punch you in the face if you don’t shut up.” Rose cut in, shuffling over to the coffee machine and pouring herself a cup of black coffee. She breathed in the scent and sighed happily as she sipped it, grabbing a plate and putting some bacon and eggs on it before sitting next to Kanaya, kissing her cheek softly.

“Good morning, Rose.” Kanaya said with a smile, kissing her head in return.

“Morning.” She said giving her a semi sleepy smile.

“Have you not been getting enough rest, dearest?” The Virgo asked, suddenly worried for her matesprit as she took note of the exhaustion clear on her features.

“Im fine, Kanaya.” Rose said with a small laugh, Dave sitting across from them with his own meal. Kanaya nuzzled against Rose’s neck, kissing her shoulder softly making Rose blush.

“Kan…” She mumbled.

“Hm?”

“Yo, im all for some PDA but I’d rather not watch some alien vampire kissing and rubbing against my sister, it’s a bit weird.” Dave piped up, stuffing some toast in his mouth.

“Agreed!” Karkat yelled from where he was. “Kanaya I don’t want to watch you kiss the human, it’s a bit disgusting!”

Kanaya’s face turned a bit green as she blushed and pulled back, Rose chuckling softly and patting her knee soothingly. She ate her breakfast and drank her coffee, standing up with a stretch and groan causing the tank top to ride up her stomach slightly, showing her navel. Kanaya watched with a fond smile, scanning her body quickly. Her eye caught sight of her navel and her eyebrows shot up curiously. She got up and went to Rose, staring at her belly button.

“Rose, you appear to have a small hole in your stomach.” Kanaya said concerned, Rose raising a brow and tugging her tanktop back down making Kanaya push it back up.

“No, no, don’t hide it. I have one also!” She said pulling up her shirt to show the large hole in her middle from the fight with Eridan.

“Holy shit.” Dave said, staring at the hole that was slowly healing in Kanaya’s middle, some of his toast falling out of his mouth.

“Kanaya!” Rose hissed softly, tugging her matesprit’s shirt back down gently.

“But what is it? Why do you have one? Its so tiny, what is it for?” She asked, poking near it causing Rose to jump at the tickling sensation. “It is sensitive?” Kanaya said, pestering Rose with endless questions.

“I-its my belly button… Uh, its where the umbilical cord used to be.” Rose explained, her face turning red slowly.

“What does that do?” Kanaya asked, not caring that Dave was staring in slight horror and slight amusement.

“U-uh feeds human grubs..?” She said, sweating nervously. It was too early, and she had not had near enough coffee to deal with this shit.

“From where?” The troll asked, her head cocked in curiosity, it was almost like a dog.

“Ummm…” Rose swallowed, she knew how human reproduction worked but Dave’s horrified but amused face and Karkat listening also in horrified fascination made her wish she could just vanish.

“Th-the uterus..?”

“Wheres that?” Kanaya asked.

“Near the uh… Nook.” Suddenly her tank top felt incredibly hot.

“How does it work exactly? How does the human grub get inside? How does it work Rose?”

“Kanaya!” Rose hissed. “I am _not_ explaining human reproduction!” She whispered, tugging her tanktop down, blushing furiously.

“Rose, please.” Kanaya pretty much begged, grabbing her flushed cheeks. “I _need_ to know.”

Rose sighed. “Fine, but I’m _not_ doing it here. Meet me in my room in ten minutes.” Rose said, pouring herself another cup of coffee, pouring some liquor into it quickly. It was going to be a long morning. She left and Dave looked at Karkat who looked to Dave as if asking him if he was going to keep explaining.

“Dude… No.” Dave said, shaking his head as he went back to his breakfast.

 

*******

The ten minutes passed quickly but luckily she was able to alchemize some reproductive posters and had enough time to skim a few articles on how to explain ‘the birds and the bees’ to children. She thought one day she’d have this awkward talk with her own children. Not her girlfriend.

Soon there was a soft knock and the door opened slightly and Kanaya peaked in. “Rose? Are you ready for me?” She asked, seeming excited.

“No, but come on.” Rose said, shaking her head a bit. She was glad she loved Kanaya as much as she did.

“Oh, I can come back in a few more minutes if you are not prepared-” Kanaya began and Rose sighed.

“No, no, it’s now or never.” Rose said taking a quick swig of some vodka she had stored before putting it away in the cabinet under her nightstand.

“You seem nervous.” Kanaya commented, sitting down on the couch that was in Rose’s room.

“Im about to have ‘the talk’ as we humans call it with my girlfriend, typically done with our young by our human lusus as you’d put it. Not a talk that one normally has with their girlfriend.” Rose explained, grabbing one of her longer knitting needles to use as a pointer as she set up an art easel to set the large-ish paperboard cards that she put the reproductive posters on.

“Alright.” Rose sighed out, making sure the door was locked and she tugged the blank card off showing the first card which was a diagram of both male and female genitals. She set the tip of the long knitting needle on the penis of the male’s diagram.

“This is what is called the penis, when a man feels sexual arousal his penis swells and stands erect, hence why it is called an erection. It also becomes hard.” She said before tapping the vagina on the female’s diagram.

“This is the vagina, the man puts his penis here.” She said sliding the needle down to the female’s vaginal opening. “The vagina creates natural lubricant when aroused and relaxes for sex. Sex is highly pleasurable and is sometimes done for just pleasure, not baby making.” She said, looking to Kanaya who was blushing furiously.

“It appears that the human vagina is similar to the nook and the penis is like the bone bulge or tenta-bulge.” Kanaya said, fidgeting around. “Some differences, of course.” She said softly and Rose nodded.

“Shall I carry on?” She asked to witch Kanaya merely nodded.

“So the male pushes his erect penis into the woman’s vaginal opening and they have intercourse which is mostly him thrusting in and out to simplify things. The friction causes the male to have an orgasm, and if done correctly the female also. When the man orgasms he releases what is called semen, and from what I have gathered is basically genetic material into the woman. And if all goes correctly and the woman is prepared, something that is called sperm that basically carries the male’s DNA, or genetics, if you will. A healthy fertile female has small eggs inside of her that the male’s sperm penetrates. And cells divide and combine making what is pretty much the start of a baby. So once the egg is properly fertilized the egg travels back up what is called the fallopian tube and into the uterus and attaches itself to the wall of the woman’s uterus.” Rose said, sipping her drink before she pulled the next card up.

“Over the course of nine months a baby is formed along with the placenta and umbilical cord which connects the baby to the placenta which is pretty much fused to the wall of the pregnant woman’s uterus. The placenta and the umbilical cord are used to transfer air, blood, chemicals us humans need to survive, and food and other things.”

“So, that is how the ‘belly button’ is made?” Kanaya asked and Rose nodded, lifting her tank top showing her navel.

“Yes, the umbilical cord was attached here, every human has one.” She said, pulling it back down.

“So the child grows inside of the mother for nine months, and understandably causes her much discomfort and exhaustion due to how the child starts moving which can keep the mother awake at times.”

“So how does the baby get out?” Kanaya asked, curiosity winning over embarrassment.

“Im getting there.” Rose sighed. “It comes out the same way it went in, typically. Sometimes it is removed via an operation. But under perfect circumstances as described here, it comes out the same way it went in.”

“So the male puts his penis back in?” The troll asked, blinking in slight confusion.

“Unfortunately, no. Mind you, the child is a fair size at this time, being from fourteen to twenty inches long and typically six to nine pounds, although sometimes it can be bigger or smaller.”

“So how does she get the baby out?” Kanaya asked.

“Well, she goes into what is called labor. Most of the times the female goes to the hospital and starts having cramps called contractions that steadily increase in pain and length. This allows her vagina and what is called her cervix to stretch in preparation for the child to be born. Sometime in there what is called her water breaks which is fluids that helps protect the baby and the fluids are expelled through the vaginal opening. She then begins the task of expelling the baby out of her body. She uses her muscles to push with the cramps, steadily moving the baby downwards headfirst through her uterus and on the way to her vaginal opening. After normally much pain the baby is expelled, the sex of the child is determined and the child is given to the mother. The umbilical cord is cut separating them and the placenta is expelled with very little trouble normally, thus finishing child birth.” She said, Kanaya looking pale and mortified.

“That sounds… Painful.” She said after a moment.

“It appears to be, yes. Luckily you can get painkillers to dull the pain typically. Though some go without.” Rose explained.

“But it seems impossible how the child is expelled.” Kanaya frowned.

“I figured you’d say that, so I found a video of it happening online if you’d wish to watch it.” Rose offered and Kanaya hesitated before nodding. Rose got the computer and a trashcan, setting it in front of Kanaya just encase. “I must warn you its graphic I watched part of it before I chose it, luckily my mother taught me about this when I was younger so it won’t be such a shock to me.” Rose said, setting the computer on the coffee table in front of the couch.

“Are you sure, Kanaya?” Rose asked, ready to start it.

“Im positive that it cannot be as bad as you described.” Kanaya responded and Rose nodded.

“Alright.” She said, playing the video and settling back against the couch with an amused grin as Kanaya watched.

“She appears to be rather swollen and in a great amount of pain.” Kanaya said with slight concern.

“Mmhm.” Rose said, halfway tempted to start snapping pictures of the expressions upon her face as she watched the video.

“There are so many people watching, what is-… Oh.” Kanaya’s eyes widened and she shuddered as the camera was moved down to the foot of the bed. “T-that is certainly… Certainly… Is that a head?” Kanaya asked, looking paler than normal.

“Yes.” Rose confirmed.

“So humans really don’t lay eggs, like the mother grub did?”

“Nope.” Rose replied, sipping the coffee cup she had refilled before playing the video.

“And human females go through this pain willingly?”

“Most of the time, yes. Some even have more than one child.”

“At once?”

“Yes, but there can be years between.”

“Do-… Do both of the human wigglers come out at the same time when they have them at the same time?”

“Luckily, no.” Rose chuckled, smiling ever so faintly as the newborn was given to the mother in the video.

“She’s crying.” Kanaya blinked. “Isn’t she happy?”

“She’s crying out of happiness.” Rose snorted softly.

“So… Humans do not cry out of pain or sorrow, but for joy?” Kanaya asked, Rose closing the computer.

“We do. But that’s a topic for another time, dear.” Rose said, kissing her matesprit softly. “You seem a bit dazed by the sexual education I just gave, shall we go read a book? One of your choice dear.” Rose smiled lovingly and Kanaya smiled down at her.

“That sounds lovely… Do you think we’ll ever be able to produce a human grub, if you wish to, of course?” Kanaya asked as they stood.

“Perhaps one day we will try.” Rose said finishing her coffee as Kanaya wrapped an arm around her shoulders as they went to find a book to read together.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoy the cute ending, this most likely will become a series of oneshots between mostly Rose and Kanaya learning about the differences between their races and cultures along with 'basic' things that are not so basic to the other. I must say I enjoyed writing this, sorry for any OOCness.


End file.
